December 20, 2010
Oh that’s not right

Oh that’s not right

December 19, 2010

“The City Diner” San Jose, CA

My close friend told me that there was a nostalgic 1950’s restaurant that has 66 milkshakes. Yup, 66. Obviously, at this point, I became aroused at the simple thought of a place that carries so many flavors. They must’ve had some crazy flavors right? Nothing out of the ordinary, sorry. It was the same amount of flavors, but they would add “with oreos” “with bananas” “double this” as flavors. THATS CHEATING. Although, they did have cute little nicknames on their menu that represented the milkshake. I got the “Williamson” (#51) butterscotch oreo, like I said, a mixture of 2 other numbers, “butterscotch” & “Oreo”. Its off topic, but if I had a milkshake shop, I’d make one the flavors after human names, just to reaqlly twist the customers arm, and when the customer would ask me what flavor it is, i’d just respond, “buy the milkshake, you pussy. Try it and shut the hell up”. My store would close within the week. 

Pros: The whole place made me feel as if I was a Ponyboy from the outsiders, about to meet Cherry at the Socia’s diner. ButI gotta drink it quick, or else they’ll get me and I’d have to scream out for Patrick Swayz….wait, he’s dead.

Con: Everyone in the restaurant wasn’t down with the whole scene AND! the oreos were big and HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DRINK THE MILKSHAKE IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO DRINK A MILKSHAKE BECUASE THE DAMN OREOS ARE WAY TOO BIG FOR THE STRAW! 

But overall, This place is cool. 

6/10

December 15, 2010 • 956 notes • cuntented
Nice photojojo: This is what we look like when we open packages full of camera goodies.  (via filmspiration, cuntented)

Nice

photojojo:

This is what we look like when we open packages full of camera goodies. 

(via filmspiration, cuntented)

December 14, 2010
A friend Sent this picture to me. This is Lil’ Kim, yup, she’s still alive. And To be honest with you, I have never been turned off to a milkshake before IN MY LIFE until this picture was introduced to me. In high school, someone told me she drank a gallon of semen. Happy holidays!

A friend Sent this picture to me. This is Lil’ Kim, yup, she’s still alive. And To be honest with you, I have never been turned off to a milkshake before IN MY LIFE until this picture was introduced to me. In high school, someone told me she drank a gallon of semen. Happy holidays!

December 8, 2010

I visited the almost frozen city known as Seattle, upon arrival, I never knew the sunniest day that man has ever known can reach as little as 30 degrees at noontime. Luckily, our friend, Gina, was able to be our gracious tour guide and show us tourists the ins and outs of Tacoma Jr. aka Seattle. 

There was no doubt in my mind that as long as there was a city with people, there would be some random schmuck out there that was crazy enough to drink milkshakes at almost freezing temperature. Just my luck, the highly enthusiastic “Red Mill Burger” has milkshakes. Every kind at that. 

They even have holiday flavors including Eggnog & Peppermint. Aside that, they have a HUGE array of flavors each one more dastardly then the next! Truffle Mint, Creamsicle, PB & J, Root beer (Yup, you got it, I said Root beer) & Lemon Chiffon. i don’t know what the hell Lemon Chiffon is, I wasn’t about to put lemon chiffon in my mouth. But i’ll put other things…if you pay me enough. 20 bucks. Sorry, no boys aloud. 

I picked Creamsicle just out of random order. (If you’re born in Iowa or Birmingham Alabama, you wouldn’t know what the fuck a creamsicle is, therefore I will impregnate you with some knowledge. Its an orange cream Popsicle with a White creamy filling. Did you enjoy that, yah dont worry, Most people don’t like it when I do that to them, but you’ll learn to LOVE IT WHEN I DO THAT) The whole thing was as it sounds, creamsicle, melted down, to a wonderful consistency & for $3.10, it was great for what it costs. The shop if full of smiles and full of good ol’ American ingenuity. 

The only problem with this milkshake spot that I noticed was what Opra & GQ listed as, “One of the 20 hamburgers you must try before you die”. Well Opra, 2 things I have to tell you due to your ignorance, yet again.

1)It should state, “One of the 20 milkshakes you must try before you die”, idiot

2)The movie, “Color purple” mediocre at best, Stop riding the color purple wave

And what I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE about this place is the no cell phone rule. The cashiers will not help you if you are talking to someone on a cellphone when you approach the counter. These cashiers are sassy, and I respect them for that. And if you get mad because you get turned down for talking on the phone while trying to order, but it takes you an extremely long time to order due to your douchebag-ery. Then GTFO. Cheers Red Mill!

5 Stars across the board!

November 22, 2010

Banana Milkshake,The Felafel Drive-in

San Jose, Ca

This milkshake was first featured on the TV show, “Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives” as a side note to their bay area known Felafel. Let me first say that Guy Fiori is not an enjoyable personality to watch. His “quirkiness” can not mask how much of an idiot he is. His only few words he has to describe anything he stuffs in his craw would usually be on the lines of “mmmmm yummy”,”Oh boy, that’s tasty”, “Super nommers”. Are you kidding me?! To be honest with you, I think he just says that so he wouldn’t be slaughtered by the staff at those fine establishments.

Back to the matter at hand, besides the questionable felafel which I never had the heart to ingest due to the looks of it. The banana Milkshake was Refreshing as hell. It’s not at all super sweet like the banana milkshakes you’ll find off the mean sidewalks of Jack in the box or Carls Jr. This was literally the first refreshing milkshake I’ve had in my whole life. Let me put it this way, its like drinking the summer of your 5th grade childhood. A happy place.

This place is literally a hole in the wall drive in. You wont be able to find it, but it will find you. Enjoy the drink, It’s well worth the 3 bucks that i happily paid for.

All in all, this place deserves an A for everything, hands down. But an F (in my book) for letting Guy Fiori come to the shop and lie to them, straight to their faces.Great place, Great shake, Great everything!

Ps. This is a threat to Guy Fiori, I swear to God if I ever cross your path in real life, You will see me as the Grimm Reaper & I will not be afraid to take your soul from you. Love, Richard

November 6, 2010

Blondies UCSC

I was recommended this place by a colleague of mine to check out this fine establishment & to my astonishment, this place wasn’t a strip bar. But they did have a plethora of flavors that would be great (in my point of view) stripper names. Milkshakes, just like ladies of the night, are divine in its own perfection, but are incredibly terrible for your health.   

1.Marble raspberry

2. Peppermint sticks

3. Macapuno

4. (And my all time favorite, “Tiger’s tail” or what my friends and I refer to call it “Tiger’s Dick”

Blondies was created by a former UCSC student who majored in Business. According to the employee, the owner of blondies was sick and tired of going through the 20 minute drive just to go to Saratoga just to get some good ice cream. She sounds like my kinda gal, and judging by the painting that was hung up in the store. She’s quite the looker, hubba hubba.

Back to the review.

Tigers Tail milkshake was a combination of the tantalizing freshness of orange, wrapped around the decadence of smooth motha fucking chocolate. Have you ever had those orange flavored Milano cookies that only came out once a year? Imagine that, but in raw milkshake form. Yah, Trust me, i have “it” up as well.

All in all

Taste: 3 & 1/2 boners out of 4

Consistency: 4 out of 4 boners

Shop (In general): 5 out of 4 boners only cause the shop manager is hot & she knows how to invent & create fantastic flavors.

check em out at blondiesfrozenyogurt.blogspot.com

October 16, 2010
LA California, MILK, Mint chocolate Crunch 7$ When visiting my friends who live around the UCLA area in socal, i heard of a shop that was passionate for malt beverages and ice cream. Gathering my thoughts and collecting myself from a drunken morning. My friends decide to bring me to MILK. A little corner shop in hip Hollywood. A place I would never care for. First thing you’ll notice when you get there. Culture shock. The people here are all Amish, dressed in black, but with a twist. They gel their sideburns and curl it up, real nice. Jk, they’re Jewish. Anyway, we all head over to the shop and I survey the menu. First thing I see on the board under “malts n’ shakes” was not only cause it was the longest name (and I got for the long ones first ;] wink) “MINT CHOCOLATE MALT CRUNCH”. Holy tits, I call that, nobody else can get it. At that moment, I really couldn’t give a shit about the kids around me that looked similar to Justin Bieber, I actually thing one them was a girl, a handsome little girl. We finally sat down and the server gave me the drink. Wow, am I looking at this correctly, swirls of chocolate, a shade of green you can fall into!? waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?! And crushed up malt balls inside?! At this moment, I was partially aroused. Couldn’t help it. first thought that ran through my head, “Did I just die again?! (Yup, cause when i saw the name on the menu, I died once already)” But do NOT let this fool you friends. The milkshake was given to me, with a spoon (Biodegradable of course, It’s LA, they care about the environment there…in LA)…A spoon? Why? Why would you need a spoon when you have a milkshake? You need a straw, slightly bigger than usualy straw, but straw nonetheless. “No spoon, thank you” The waitress didn’t give a shit and gave it to my ignorant child-like self. Straw in, lips on the straw, one suck. Have you ever sucked on a lemon and made that crunched up face? I made that same expression trying to suck the damn shake out of the straw. It literally took me 30 seconds to get half an ounce of green shake in my mouth. No. NOO. This is the point where i realized there was a devil, because there is no God in the world that would play with someones heart so much in a matter of seconds. “How is it?!” my friend asked in anticipation. “It’s ok” But deep inside, my heart was breaking. Girls have broken my heart, so have some friends, now…MILK broke my fucking heart. The consistency of the milkshake was THICK. It was like drinking a plastic model of what the shake should look like. In other words, I felt like I was on a date with a women with no vagina. I made a list of quirky names that I decided MILK should change it to. 1.Mint brick through a straw (aka Good luck) 2.Secret ingredient:Elmers Glue 3.Cement with mint balls I walked away from the store, broken hearted, but being a fat ass, I finished it, then I complained about it. The shake was a perfect metaphor for Hollywood in general. It was Expensive (It probably had its own agent) , pretty on the outside,  High expectations, but on the inside, it was lacking the essence of a true milkshake, consistency. And the hand that is flipping off the milkshake demonstrates the world, flipping off LA in its whole heartless self. I didn’t wanna try another milkshake there, I knew it would hurt me even more. Out of 5 boings Flavor: 4 boings (If you can get any through the damn straw) Consistency: 2 boings Shop: 3 boings (Should be bigger for the amount of shitheads Biebers who go through there) Go for the glam, dont go for anything else, unless you’re hungover.

LA California, MILK, Mint chocolate Crunch 7$

When visiting my friends who live around the UCLA area in socal, i heard of a shop that was passionate for malt beverages and ice cream. Gathering my thoughts and collecting myself from a drunken morning. My friends decide to bring me to MILK. A little corner shop in hip Hollywood. A place I would never care for. First thing you’ll notice when you get there. Culture shock. The people here are all Amish, dressed in black, but with a twist. They gel their sideburns and curl it up, real nice. Jk, they’re Jewish. Anyway, we all head over to the shop and I survey the menu. First thing I see on the board under “malts n’ shakes” was not only cause it was the longest name (and I got for the long ones first ;] wink) “MINT CHOCOLATE MALT CRUNCH”. Holy tits, I call that, nobody else can get it. At that moment, I really couldn’t give a shit about the kids around me that looked similar to Justin Bieber, I actually thing one them was a girl, a handsome little girl.

We finally sat down and the server gave me the drink. Wow, am I looking at this correctly, swirls of chocolate, a shade of green you can fall into!? waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?! And crushed up malt balls inside?! At this moment, I was partially aroused. Couldn’t help it. first thought that ran through my head, “Did I just die again?! (Yup, cause when i saw the name on the menu, I died once already)” But do NOT let this fool you friends.

The milkshake was given to me, with a spoon (Biodegradable of course, It’s LA, they care about the environment there…in LA)…A spoon? Why? Why would you need a spoon when you have a milkshake? You need a straw, slightly bigger than usualy straw, but straw nonetheless. “No spoon, thank you”

The waitress didn’t give a shit and gave it to my ignorant child-like self.

Straw in, lips on the straw, one suck. Have you ever sucked on a lemon and made that crunched up face? I made that same expression trying to suck the damn shake out of the straw. It literally took me 30 seconds to get half an ounce of green shake in my mouth. No. NOO. This is the point where i realized there was a devil, because there is no God in the world that would play with someones heart so much in a matter of seconds.

“How is it?!” my friend asked in anticipation. “It’s ok” But deep inside, my heart was breaking. Girls have broken my heart, so have some friends, now…MILK broke my fucking heart.

The consistency of the milkshake was THICK. It was like drinking a plastic model of what the shake should look like. In other words, I felt like I was on a date with a women with no vagina.

I made a list of quirky names that I decided MILK should change it to.

1.Mint brick through a straw (aka Good luck)

2.Secret ingredient:Elmers Glue

3.Cement with mint balls

I walked away from the store, broken hearted, but being a fat ass, I finished it, then I complained about it. The shake was a perfect metaphor for Hollywood in general. It was Expensive (It probably had its own agent) , pretty on the outside,  High expectations, but on the inside, it was lacking the essence of a true milkshake, consistency.

And the hand that is flipping off the milkshake demonstrates the world, flipping off LA in its whole heartless self.

I didn’t wanna try another milkshake there, I knew it would hurt me even more.

Out of 5 boings

Flavor: 4 boings (If you can get any through the damn straw)

Consistency: 2 boings

Shop: 3 boings (Should be bigger for the amount of shitheads Biebers who go through there)

Go for the glam, dont go for anything else, unless you’re hungover.

October 16, 2010

Welcome shake enthusiasts & drunks

Welcome all to my secondary blog, this blog is dedicated to milkshakes and milkshakes only. Someone told me that in life, you have to love what you do, so I thought to myself and came to the conclusion that I should combine the 2 things in life that make me happy. Milkshakes and writing. Enjoy! And feel free to write whatever you want, because I can give 2 rat shits about how you feel.

What a MS (Milkshake) is to me. A milkshake to me has to consist of 3 things. Ice Cream, milk, & love. Not so much the last ingredient, but with love, you can make anything ten times better. A milkshake should be a little thick, but not so thick that I have to use a spoon to “drink” it. A perfect milkshake should re-hatch your childhood memories and let you forget about the past due bill laying on your counter top waiting for you at home. The perfect milkshake should also consist of a certain euphoria when it touches your lips. A lot of people describe an orgasm as the best feeling in the world, or to some people, child birth. But not me, I can drink a milkshake during a wedding, and consider it the best part of the evening. So welcome, welcome to my adventures in milkshakes and by all means feel free to challenge my criticism on these shops. Asshole.